I’d watch you with your bottle
Swaying to its tune
A song I couldn’t follow
Beginning every afternoon
I hoped that you would see me
Lift me up to your embrace
Co-conspirators in our revelry
While mother gave mock chase
Your laugh was rough and deep
Hands scarred with work and age
Around the room we’d twirl and leap
You’d forget your former rage
The moon high upon us
I’d clamor to protest
You’d warn me not to make a fuss
And send me up to rest
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The rhyme scheme is playful and happy. To me this perfectly captures the the esscence of "My Papa's Waltz". Additionally I think you did and excellent job of using the same images that the poem used though you did so in a much less ambiguous manner. Perhaps you could write a poem from the mother's perspective?
ReplyDeleteThis really an exceelent poem Erica. I think you did a grat job immitating my papas waltz and the imagery and diction is very strong. kudos
ReplyDeleteI like the way you describe his laugh as being "rough and deep." It really evokes a very specific sound in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI agree with both Daniel and Tyson. You did a great job with taking this poem and imitating it, as well as making it your own. As Daniel said, it is much less ambiguous. Despite the connotations that your poem holds about the father's drinking habits, the tone seems to be much lighter, and you can clearly see that the girl is happy to be with her father, despite his drinking, whereas in "My Papa's Waltz," I coulnd't tell if the boy was happy to be with his father, or scared of him.
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