Daniel Uchiyama
“Where are you asshole!!?” I shouted into my phone, thinking that maybe if I screamed loud enough he might have the decency to answer. He was always unreliable. Always. His friends had told me, his parents told me, and after three months of being with him I didn’t need to be told anymore. But at a moment like this? This was unforgivable.
Its funny how life can change so fast, and yet it’s really not funny at all. I wonder when it happens. When the childishness goes away, when the innocence dies. I suppose in school we are slowly being conditioned by our peers. We learn through everyday interaction how to act, how to smile at all the right times, how to think. Until we don’t know who we are anymore.
But he had been with me through the changes. Through the braces, the school dances, the triumphs, the tragedies, and the terrible realization that life was not going to slow down for anyone. No matter how much we tried.
The nurse hands me a clip board full of questions, and a series of pamphlets of information. It describes the process, the methods, and the potential side effects in an unbiased, unemotional fashion. It felt like reading and instruction manual. Only I wasn’t putting anything together I was taking it apart.
I called him again, and wondered if it still said “Cassandra GF” next to me name. It struck me how humans have devolved so many methods of communication, yet how hard it is just to talk to someone. I could feel myself beginning to cry, as the last shred of my composure was shattered.
Ring, Ring.
“Hey babe I’m on the wa…….”
“Don’t bother.” “I’m keeping it.
Comments by the author: I have attempted to emulate some key stylistic techniques used in the story “In the Cemetary where Al Jolson is Buried”. The main character jumps from one train of thought to another and through her perceptions and ideas the plot is furthered. Just as in the story. Additionally the story involves a conflict between two characters who share an intimate relationship. Yet it is the same feelings of intimacy and love that are the source of convolution and conflict. As in my story the girl is unsure as to what to do about her pregnancy because her boyfriend wants her to get an abortion. While she has her own moral qualms about such an undertaking.
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I found the similarities in style between this piece and Jolson’s striking. No explanation about the story is needed; it really speaks for itself as it reveals information bit by bit. The little details, like the character wondering if she still had a “GF” next to her name on her boyfriend’s cellular phone really makes this story memorable.
ReplyDelete- K. De Melo.
I liked the detail about how the clip board described everything in a "unbiased, unemotional fashion." That makes for an interesting contrast between how the main character feels and how she is acting.
ReplyDeleteThis good stuff Daniel, especially for the kind of short assignment.
ReplyDeleteSome highlights:
The sound and structure of this sentence accurately matched Hempel's style, reminding me of "Through the braces... No matter how much we tried." You didn't overuse 'and' as much as she did and you went with alliteration and assonance instead of regular old rhyming, but that's fine by me, your character has a slightly different voice from Hempel's but it still brings the original to mind.
The punch at the end. Again, it was a little bit different from the source, but I felt it still resonated in the same sad sort of way. The second to last paragraph, I mean. The way you talk about communication that humans've developed.. there's a pleasant kind of similarity to a monkey who's learned sign language in there. Was that intentional? It must have been. You've clearly put a lot of thought into this.
Some thoughts:
I noticed that you switched the tense of the story from present to past. I always find it interesting to think about the way verb tense changes the feel of a narrative, and I'm wondering if that was a conscious decision on your part, and what the desired effect was...
Damn. That was a long comment, wasn't it?
Very clever ways of revealing exposition, which can often be the worst and most arduous part of any beginning of a story. The words glided along the page, very smooth, easy to follow. When writing is easy to read and follow, it usually means great pains were taken by the writer.
ReplyDeleteAlso, very well paced. It works how it goes from the crisis: "Where are you asshole?!?"
smoothly into backstory of
"He was always unreliable...after three months of being with him I didn’t need to be told anymore."
And then deeper into the narrator's attitude with:
"We learn through everyday interaction how to act..."
All leading us back to the crisis at a pivotal moment, when we snap back to reality and then the phone rings.
Well done.
I really like your piece. Even though it is short it is still strong enough to keep you interested. The characters that you put in your story are very realistic. I can clearly see the woman on the phone yelling and trying to get a response from someone she knows will most likely stay quiet. It's like yelling with a wall. You can scream as loud as you want but in the end the wall is still not going to respond to you. Overall I feel the piece is strong and that you should definately continue with the story.
ReplyDelete