Epistolary project: Dear John

Dear John,
Not Jonathan, just John! So I was excited to see your new hair, not because I hated it or because I loved it, I just wanted to see it. I never knew hair was a big deal, or something people often noticed. But your new hairstyle sure caused a stir up. Who would have thought a shaggy mullet would be missed. A mullet hasn’t been legit since Billy Ray Cyrus’ back in the early 90s. I guess you and your mullet have more in common with Billy Ray since you getting rid of it broke a lot of achey breakey pre teen hearts. But you know what, good, cause these little girls have to learn that you’re not interested in them in that way. I don’t even know why they put you up on a pedestal, you’re just a regular 21 year old dude, living the dream I guess. It’s not like you’ve changed the world not that, that’s a big deal, common none of us have and probably never will. What I mean is, you’re just a dude. Well, your ideas are amazing! I’m glad not all of today’s youth is forgetting how to be creative, artistic and just talented. But these girls, god damn it! I bet it’s all your looks. It’s like you sure aren’t ugly, so their newly hormones have them crazy over your dreamy eyes. What bugs me more is that if your looks are what bring forth these girls and nothing more, well they just need to GET THE FUCK OUT. I love you an all, and I respect you, but if you ask me, you’re not even the coolest one in the band. Garrett’s way cooler than you, I bet that if we met, we’d become best friends for sure! We would watch Killer Klowns from Outer Space, then I would take him to the exact locations the movie was filmed in, you know since it was filmed in my hometown! After that, we’d bug you because we’re still kids at heart, that like to annoy people, Pat, or Todd as I like to call him would join us in this adventure. Piranha and Rat Boy would creep out at night, they’ll have to come up with an animal name for me. Jared SHREDS on guitar, and Kennedy is always stoked on life, all together these kids are at least ten times cooler than you. It’s almost as though they cared more… But I see why you hide in the bus, if I were you I’d never come out! It would suck to be you, constantly hearing your name, well having John as a name doesn’t really help since every other dude in America is named John, but you get the picture. I don’t know, it’s just that you’re a dude, I’m a dude, he’s a dude, she’s a dude, we’re all dudes. And I just wished people would treat you as that and not a watered down version of, I don’t know Justin Timberlake? Sorry if I sound like a bitch, but you know I love you. It’s like I swear, Rachael, Brittney and I are your only normal “fans.” Maybe because we’re all around the same age, oh god how embarrassing, maybe the jokes on us, and were just displaced and don’t belong. Regardless, stay gold pony boy!
Ps
At least you’re not as big of a douche as Nick Santino.