Setting: Small rural town
Characters: Daniel -a college student returning home for the weekend
Amanda- a former high school classmate of Daniels who never went to college.
Amanda-So how do you like living in San Francisco?
Daniel: ....(Silence)
( The question catches me off guard though I've heard it a hundred times before. My heart drops in my chest, as I try and recover. And pull together enough of myself to force out the semblance of a smile.)
Daniel-"Its great the cities real nice."
Inside my mind is a torrent of images. The city is "real nice" if you like fog! I'm not talking about a "cool Autumn mist" or "hazy dew' that hangs in the air.-I mean a debilitating fog; an unrelenting haze, the sight of which depresses me. So much so that days when I can see the sky feel like Christmas.
....Pull it together
Amanda: How are the people there?
Daniel: "The people there are really nice and open-minded"
(This is painful to say as well, but bears more semblance to the truth and is easier to say then my first response. I wonder if my smile is too big. My cheeks are pulled back pretty tight. Too tight. I never smile this much.-I remember something about smiling taking less effort then frowning, and think that is bullshit.)
(The people here are nice, true. But the people here are also homeless, destitute, disillusioned, and poor. The people here operate and think with a Liberal fervor that Asphyxiates my consciousness.-And I'm a Democrat.-For so long I've tried to silence the part of my brain that questions unfounded, overzealous Republican hatred. So I could fit in of course.-But to me the jump from, "I disagreeing with someones views" and "abhorring their very existence" is wide. For some the slippery slope proves too slick to take a stand.)
(I wonder if she can see right through me)
Amanda: "Also you guys have that bridge, its so beautiful. My parents and I drove up their on our way to Sonoma this one time. I really liked it.
Daniel: "Yeah, its a California landmark."
(I wonder if she would think it was so wonderful if she knew that the Golden Gate Bridge was the most popular landmark in America-to commit suicide.- Also the irony of a cities most treasured landmark being a bridge that leads out of the city possesses an irony I find amusing.-Though the bridge does lead in the city as well.)
Amanda: "Its also a good place for writing right? Isn't that what you want to do?...Write stuff?"
Daniel: (Pause) Yeah, actually there is a lot of independent magazines and small publishers which make it a good place for writing."
(This comment is the easiest to say because it rings with the resonance of truth that requires no practice. An event so rare in conversation that I revel in its relaxing effects.)
Amanda: "Maybe I'll come visit you sometime?"
Daniel: "Yeah, you should if get the chance."
(I doubt that she will ever visit)
Amanda: "I mean what do you guys do for fun?"
Daniel: ummmmmm
(Sit in coffee shops with our overpriced VENTE MACCHIATOS and lambast those DAMN DIRTY CONSERVATIVES for their ABOMINABLE CRIME OF EXISTENCE!!!!!)
(I think I"ll get the word "ORIGINALITY" tattooed on my lower back. But only after I get my lip pierced.)
Authors note: Words (in parenthesis) are supposed to be Daniel's thoughts. Where words "in quotation marks" are actually said out loud.
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Wow, I really enjoyed this piece because I did not expect it--which, I think, was your intention. The fog is definately something that anyone who lives in this city complains about (well, most people), so in the beginning, I wasn't quite sure where you wanted to go with your piece. But as I continued to read, your character began to think about things that he despises about the city, which, in your story, were things that people in this city often take pride in, such as overpriced machiattos, hating on conservatives, and, of course, the bridge. Also, this piece was very honest when it came to the nature of humans. I loved the line "I remember something about smiling taking less effort then frowning, and think that is bullshit." Faking a smile is ten times harder than throwing on a frown, and it's also less honest than a frown. All in all, I thought this piece was great--it was honest, but not in a way we see very often.
ReplyDeleteThe mention of the GG bridge & SF fog to describe the city is always nostalgic. It never fails to make a story lovelier--including yours.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the truth and honesty you put into this piece- the speaker talks with a bluntness and unapologetic bitterness which comes off as very refreshing. I enjoyed the contrast of dialogue- what is spoken but not said outright- versus the internal thought- what is not physically voiced but implied. Really genius.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this piece. I could very easily relate to Daniel when he goes home and is asked about where he went away to college. I love that he said generally positive things, but had a a very different, blunt opinion of his own running around inside his head. The line about "smiling taking less effort then frowning, and think that is bullshit" really sticks out to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure many of us can relate to this piece...it makes me wonder what would happen if we were brutually honest with those who ask us these questions. also, the last line about getting originality tattooed on your lower back BUT only after the lip piercing made me laugh, because it seems like even what was once considered original is now so mainstream.
ReplyDeleteInteresting piece, the strong opinions and truth work well. Your format is inconsistent.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThe form, in which you say something, and we immediately get your internal dialogue which offers a direct counter-point to what you'd just said is an interesting device. A lot could be done with this piece if, for instance, you made Amanda into a more fleshed-out character with her own mind and her own internal conflicts. She's a bit of a cardboard cutout right now, serving up her vacant softball questions. And I know this is not some polished thing. You weren't intending to get into the Norton Anthology with it, but I'm impressed by the concept and its potential.
ReplyDeleteNice work. I feel like I have had very similar conversations (and thoughts) when I return home. It's really sad, but in a way, it makes me cherish SF more and pushes me to get the most out of this whole, you know...education thing.
ReplyDeleteThis is my favorite part:
Amanda: "Its also a good place for writing right? Isn't that what you want to do?...Write stuff?"
haha, "write stuff" that's pretty good.